CURRENT TIDES

listening to megalomaniac by incubus.

I DONT KNOW WHERE I AM IN LIFE,or just that i dont know what im doing to turn my life around,i have no alternative move,i dont even have a dream let alone have a strategy to make a dream come true. I thought while im working with my uncle i would find out along the way what im going to do in life,so far nothing has come to mind and it has been a couple of years. Sometimes i think what if..what if my mother was still well and alive,that would mean i would still be in kuala terengganu where there are no bad influences and the perfect place to be for a muslim. My mother was a lecturer in a high standard university which means she would have a clue about what my future education would be,my life too would be a lot more cheerful if she was here,living in our own home,going out to eat every night,hahaha,no one in the family knew how to cook for they were all occupied with what their future work would be not their future family which explains both why they got married in their late 30`s. Well i dont know what i want to be but i do have a clue who i want to be, my big brother who is now not married and also in his late 30`s. My brother is nice but a straightfoward person,he doesnt take crap for others probably because hes a hockey player.

 But that is not what i want to duplicate from him,its his knowingness that i want to impower. He probably knew anything i would tell for example if i mention mount everest,he`ll probably say "have you seen the bucket list?thats a good movie"hes also into games which is also the same with me so ive already conquered that. Im not interested in becoming wealthy like he  is,without being wealthy i could still play online games and watch movies online(which is all what i ever do around here). What i really wanna be about him is having the passion about music,i mean he knows a hell lot more than i do and i pride my self for knowing the amount of great music that are out there. Thats the only thing good about me,i could be in a cafe drinking some hot coco and know that the rich kid infront of me although went to college and all that can never appreciate music like i do. Music is my passion,its what keeps me going,even at work if i dont listen to music i wouldnt have the same feeling,i wouldnt have the strengh to work non stop and feel lazy.

 Just so you know i wash dishes,but im the best dish washer youll ever know. I take my work seriously and i do the best i can. I wont take a break until my work is done and wont be all winny(i dont no if thats how you spell it)about it. My dad told me to look for another job which is actually what my brother told my dad,something like being a shopkeeper or else. but if havent found what i want to do. i dont think i will be doing anything else because washing dishes requires work,hard work which makes me harder better stronger and prepared for the next work which im about to devote my self.i couldnt be stronger if i stood 8 hours waiting on people to come in the shop with a fucked up face treating you like dirt,at least while i wash dishes i wouldnt have to take anyones crap. Just move to the music and do the work until you go home a watch movies then comeback to another day of getting jiggy with it on kitchen floor,haha. I think thats enough fo now,like ray said:keep on trolling!"

 OH wait!!i forgot to tell you i met mr najjar the other day. Hes a lecterur in arts from illanois`america which came to visit a friend of my dads and eventually became close to my dad. He came the other day to talk to me about my life(probably dads doing)and i can tell this is a man full of joy and also details. He knew so much i couldnt take my eyes off of him,he gave me some stuff to think about,its amazing how small talk could be so meaningful and he uses sayings such as"every flower blooms on its own hour,you cant make it bloom for it will die"in my case i will prevail probably someday,i have my own hour,you cant force me to become who i dont want,in my brothers case its not that i dont want to go to college,its just hard,ive changed ever since i last seen my mother,studying was always good when she was around,now i dont know the meaning why,its not like my dream is to be millionaire,theres better things in life,like in mr najjar`s case,he was poor when he ask his wife to marry him but not with just love,he showed her respect which if love went away youll still have respect,for if you really respect another human being youll never forget them,(this was not the exact way mr najjar told me,his version was more meaningfull,he to his wife that he wants to marry her but does not love her but by explaining that he respects her and said in time love will come she said yes. What a inspirational man mr najjar..:)